AND STAY OUT!

I have a neighbor.

In my first Ff. post (( http://wp.me/p1LTVr-C )), I spoke of this kid and told you that you’d probably be hearing more about her in the future. Well, the future is now.

I met her last year while at the pool. My son floats within 6 inches of anyone 12 and under (( sometimes joining in on their conversation but mostly it’s awkwardly hovering next to them in what he assumes is a subtle attempt to be included in whatever loud and annoying game the youngsters of the moment are playing )). There aren’t usually kids young enough to be interested in playing with him so he just creeps around near them, but one girl at the pool was more than happy to splash around and perfect water hand stands with someone a few years her junior. E called her Lisa and she seemed to respond to the name Lisa so we all called her that. Makes sense, right? It wasn’t until a year later that it was clarified that her name is actually Janeasha. I’m surprised I didn’t figure that out – since that’s my mom’s name.

She told us it was fine to call her Lisa. Or Janeasha. Or J. Or Nini. But Bull Dog Corner and I just groan in frustration or roll our eyes -=creaaaaking sound=- (( * podcast reference that you should get because you listen to all of them and laugh and laugh )) and we both know who we are talking about.

At the pool, she kept running out of air while she was talking to us. Gulping for oxygen in between her run-on sentences. I assumed it was because she was swimming and being active while talking, but now that I see her everyday while she’s standing still – I know that it’s merely because she talks so much that she runs out of breath. She literally talks and talks and talks and then gulps for air for a few seconds so that she can talk and talk some more. And, just to clarify, she’s not saying anything that I care about hearing.

Since clearly I  know a lot about dealing with unwanted neighbors, I’d love to share with you what my experiences have taught me just in case you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. I’m sure that at some point in your life you will have a person that does not know the concept of boundaries and you will need some tips to keep you from handling it in a way that may land you in prison. Trust me – it could happen.

1. Uninstall your doorbell.

It’s true that they can still knock, but ignoring a knock is much easier and less grating on the nerves than ignoring a never-ending doorbell ring. Especially when it happens 5 times in a row at 7 AM. That was yesterday.

2. Pretend they are vampires and don’t ever invite them in.

Sure, they might claim to have something in their eye and they need to use your mirror, but lets always assume it’s a ruse. And they are probably going to have to throw something away at some point (( even though it’s just as close for them to go home and do it )) and you feel like you’d rather encourage that than littering but… DON’T DO IT! Next thing you know they are coming in your room while you are in bed telling you to look at stuff they just put in your freezer.

3. Make sure they know your name.

This may seem like an odd one because we want to sever as many emotional ties with this person as possible, but having them call you by name is so much better than having them call you “Mom” or “Dad” because they can’t remember your name and for some reason feel this is a suitable substitute.

4. Keep your blinds closed at all times.

More likely than not, you will catch your new friend sitting outside your house looking in with binoculars.

Yeah, that’s right. Lisa watches us like a freak show. (( I’m actually calling her the freak show, but it sounds like we are the freak show that she is watching. )) She also runs outside every time I come outside and tells me she knew I was out there because she was looking at my yard with her binoculars. I suppose it’s less creepy because she’s not doing it in a secretive way…or maybe she is just too dumb to know that she should be spying on people in a less obvious manner. Less obvious as in – don’t tell them you are doing it and don’t do it in plain sight.

5. Move.

The deeper I get into this – the more I want to just tell you that it’s not worth it. Move away now. Nobody wants to be the person yelling “GO AWAY!!!!!!!!” every time a seemingly unassuming little child comes to the door because you will always be the bad guy. No one will take your side. You’ll constantly be saying to yourself, “If they only knew….they would have also put up a sign that says ‘I hate you – Never come to this house again!’….”

I can already feel you all turning on me. Is she crazy? This is a ten year old we are talking about. Come on. It can’t be that bad. And I knew this would happen. You just don’t understand what has become of my life. It IS that bad. She’s sitting on the doorstep when I get home. She’s watching us through the window while we eat dinner. She’s asking to walk my dog because she loves dogs and then comes asking me for money. She’s making me do MAD LIBS with her! I only do Mad Libs for ones I love.

Move away before you become the weird guy that wears this t-shirt everyday.

Mine should be coming in the mail next week.

waj mahal.