Why Be Ordinary When You Can Be Extraordinary

All right peoples, let’s get down to business. We’ve spent a lot of time on this blog talking about things like drugs and weirdos, but now is the time for seriousness. I’m talking about superpowers. If you’re anything like me you’ve spent more than a fair bit of time fantasizing about having some type of extra-ordinary powers (that sounds like your powers are super mundane like being able to parallel park, but not without hitting the curb). Maybe you’d like to fly or be unbreakable. With so many options the choice can be difficult, but if you could choose only one, what would it be?

First off, we’re talking about specific powers here – not the powers of a specific character. That means no picking Superman since he can do most things. Spider-man’s pre-cognitive alarm system is up for grabs, but I think there are better ways to predict the future than a “tingling” sensation. Wanna run fast like the Flash? Go for it! Wanna have a magical power ring like Green Lantern? Tough luck; that’s dumb.

Secondly, we’re going to assume that you have your superpowers in the real world. That means all the laws and paranoia that exist here still apply. Okay, now that we’ve taken all the fun out of this, let’s get to it.

Flying

An obvious first choice. Sounds great, right? No more traffic jams; no more TSA pat downs – just you and the open sky. I love the idea of self-propelled flying. Since I’ve never been sky diving (which is really just falling with style…and some dude strapped to your back), the closest I’ve been are those flying dreams that we all have – and one could argue (successfully) that that isn’t really close at all (plus, doesn’t it feel more like swimming through the air than soaring?). The problem is that, unless you’re just taking a day trip or gliding down to get the mail, flying is gonna be a logistical nightmare. It’s gonna get real cold, real fast if you’re traveling at a worthwhile speed. Heading out for a long weekend? Better bring some cash cause you’ll need to buy some new clothes when you get there as a suitcase would be a bit unwieldy to carry with you. Also, think about the amount of attention a flying person is gonna attract. Iron Man gets shot at a lot, but at least he’s got his suit to protect him. I don’t think your windbreaker and cargo pants are gonna deflect too many ground to air missles (in this scenario you’re wearing a windbreaker and cargo pants because it’s 1998). Discretion is key to harassmentless superpower use and flying is a little too high profile for me – pass.

Invisibility

Discretion is king with the power of invisibility…but it kind of ends there. Once the pervy voyeurism fantasy is played out, there’s not much to do aside from escaping the occasional mugger or shoplifting. If supervilliany is your thing, invisibility may be the way to go. Sure would make stealing stuff a breeze, plus there’s the aforementioned pervy voyeurism (though that doesn’t make you a supervillian, just a creep). For the good folk out there it may seem like it would be nice to disappear from the crowd from time to time, but it could eventually lead to some major psychological damage (we’ve all seen Hollow Man…maybe just me).

Super Speed

No more traffic jams; no more TSA pat downs – just you and the open road. Well, you’re still gonna have the same luggage issue as flying if you’re traveling – plus, if super-speed is anything like the old The Flash TV show (which I’m assuming it is), your windbreaker and cargo pants are gonna tear apart as soon as you get going. This will lend itself well to cartoon-like clothes rack run-bys, but then those clothes are just gonna tear apart too (I’m thinking your shoes may melt as well). If you could combine this with invisibility (or shamelessness) you’d be in business, but the rules are ONE power only (as an aside: the super-power of shamelessness is wildly overused in the comic book world –  in that, I think every character might have it. How else would you explain so many unitards). Anyway, super speed does have some manner of discretion on its side (as long as you’re not a unitard about it) since you’d be moving so fast that you’d be a blur. Honestly, with only minor drawbacks, super speed is not a bad choice.

Telekinesis

The ability to move objects with you mind – the lazy person’s super power. I say it’s for lazy people, but I’m sure everyone of us has had the moment sitting on the couch and wishing they could change the channel without having to get up and walk over to the television. With telekinesis, this unfathomable event would be within the grasp of your mind – your mind grasp, if you will. But let us not limit ourselves to channel changing. Say you’re in the same scenario (TV watching) and you decide you’d like a beer from the fridge. With telekinesis, you can mind grasp that fridge and float it right over to the couch so you can easily grab yourself a cold one. Hungry? Well, the fridge is already next to the couch so have at it. Discretion isn’t an issue at this point since you’re in the privacy of your own home. It’s not gonna be an issue later either since now you’re 900 lbs from sitting and eating all day, everyday without getting up and the privacy of your own home is where you’re gonna stay until you die and your kids burn down your house to save them from the embarrassment of hiring a crane to get your body out. If you can manage to hit the gym once in a while, telekinesis could be pretty sweet – if not, well . . .

Invulnerability

It’s pretty hard to make a case against invulnerability, but I’m gonna give it a shot. It basically comes down to loneliness. I’m not talking about the loneliness you’d suffer when all your friends become jealous of your power and shun you. And I’m not talking about the loneliness from outliving all your friends that hate you. I’m talking about the bitter loneliness of outliving all humanity. Sure “not dying” sounds great now, but what about 10,000 years from now? What if the Earth explodes and you spend eternity floating through space? What if you’re enslaved by an alien race or slip and fall into a bottomless pit? The possibilities for misery are as endless as the misery itself.

So, as you can see, every silver lining has a big grey cloud keeping you from enjoying your superhero fantasy. I don’t know – maybe pick super strength and be done with it. If you keep your use to a reasonable level, you could use it for sports or something dumb like that. Just try not to accidentally high-five your buddy’s arm off.

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