One Hot American Summer

Summer is here, and it’s here with a vengeance. I don’t mean to play the role of Captain Obvious (though I did recently play the role of his nemesis, Lord Vague, in a recent stage production of Captain Obvious and the Veil of Obscurity – reviews were middling), but man o man is it hot out. I’ve been trying to think of ways to enjoy the passage of time that don’t include subjecting myself to the brutality of the outside world (in all fairness, I try not to subject myself to the outside world under normal conditions as well – but my current motivation is the heat), and I’ve come up with a few activities that can be fully enjoyed during these trying times.

Sitting Motionless in Front of a Fan

“From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn’t enjoy a good sit.”

– C. Montgomery Burns

Seriously, who doesn’t enjoy a good sit. It’s pretty great – and the next best thing to lying down. The key to making sitting work for YOU is how it works in cooperation with the motionlessness and the fan. The motionlessness prevents your body from producing heat (can you believe that we can create the very thing we’re trying to avoid? It’s like Contagion . . . I’m assuming), and the fan produces artificial wind that helps to cool you (isn’t science crazy?).

PRO-TIP: if you have central air, try placing the fan directly in front of the vent – you can thank me in the comments section below.

you can also try sitting in front of a really bitchin’ stereo

Watching a Movie That Features Snow

“Winter is coming”

– everyone in Game of Thrones (not a movie)

The idea behind this activity is that our dumb brains can be fooled – like the way I can see any new pile of garbage in a tortilla at Taco Bell and I immediately believe I will enjoy it; or the way that after eating said garbage, my brain believes that I actually did enjoy it. So by giving one of your senses (vision) the idea of coldness, your brain can transfer that feeling to another sense (temperature awareness? Is that the seventh sense?). So pop in your copy of Fargo or Cool Runnings and feel the heat just melt away.

PRO-TIP: Be careful if you watch The Thing (the Kurt Russell one). While you may trick your brain into thinking it’s colder than it actually is, it may also trick your brain into thinking the person next to you is a shapeshifting alien.

Moving to Canada

“My God Canada is cold! How can you people live here?”

– Lucas Kane

July 12, 2011 Melfort, Saskatchewan

Doesn’t that look glorious? It’s hard to imaging that such a place exists. One of the great things about Canada is that not only is it winter 10 months out of the year, but they also use Celsius instead of Fahrenheit. Now when you ask the temperature and it’s 100° F, people will say “oh it’s about 37.77777777777° out, eh?” Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Another great thing is that the people are super nice. I recently heard a story of a couple Canadian “bros” driving down the street shouting cat-calls at couple girls. Apparently, the Canadian version of a cat-call is: “Excuse me – do you have a husband?” You see, even at their rudest they don’t want to offend. So, if the heat gets to you, you can always pack up your bindle and hitch a ride up to the winter wonderland of Canada.

PRO-TIP: Don’t refer to Canada as “America’s Hat”;  instead refer to America as “Canada’s Shoes” – they’ll love it.

I hope this has been helpful for you all. Summer’s just getting started, and it’s not getting any cooler out there. But at least you can take comfort in the fact that “Winter IS coming” – everyone from Game of Thrones.

casualken