Summer = Waterslides

Enjoy this picture of Casual Ken and I in our heyday.

Between 6 and 8 years ago, I watched a television program that changed my life. I won’t say that it was necessarily for the better, but I’m positive that I haven’t been the same since.

I don’t even remember what the name of the show was, but it was about the Top 10 Waterparks. It may have been called “Top 10 Waterparks” or “America’s Best Waterparks” or “The World’s Best Amusement Parks Focused on Water Fun” or – – well, the name doesn’t even matter. All that really matters is that it was the day that I first learned of Schlitterbahn!

Right now, I have a list of the Top 10 places I want to visit before I become too old to enjoy living life (I don’t want to say “before I die” because I want to go to these places way before that – unless I die before the age of 50. Wow. Unexpected depressing turn…) but I have only written down 3 places.

1. Paris (check!)
2. A gnome museum in England ( I don’t remember the name of it or the name of the city it is in. It may not exist…kind of like gnomes. Spooky.)
3. Schlitterbahn!

I’d like to go ahead and say that the reason there are only three places filled in has more to do with the fact that I forgot I was compiling the list and less to do with me only wanting to see those places. Let’s just make that clear, no offense Vague-Gnome-Museum-Entry.

Now let’s talk Schlitterbahn! I hate to spoil the program about waterparks that I saw approximately seven years ago on the travel channel, but it was a countdown and Schlitterbahn was number 1. I remember that night vividly. Casual Ken, Cranky Tea and I were at our grandmother’s house in the den – completely blown away by what we were seeing. The slides. The fun. Okay, the more I write about this – the more I realize the memory isn’t that vivid. I don’t remember the name of the show or any of the other Top 10 waterparks except Blizzard Beach and that’s only because . . . I’ve been there.

During my 16th birthday, I spent the week with my family in DisneyWorld. I don’t want to say it was “for” my 16th birthday because that felt like more of a coincidence. It was definitely scheduled around Gay Pride Week. This was when I was introduced to Blizzard Beach.

Though there were many noteworthy rides/slides. There is really only one I’m going to bother discussing: Summit Plummet.  Summit Plummet is a 12-story drop (120 feet high) down the slopes of “Mount Gushmore” (Good one, Disney), making it one of the tallest and fastest free-fall body slides in the world. Your plunge down the 360-foot long flume will have you reaching speeds of 50 to 60 miles per hour.

Once you reach the top of the staircase, you sit down at a place where, because it’s so steep, you can’t even see the slide from that vantage point. You would literally have to peer over the edge in order to see the slide you are about to go down. When you’ve slipped over the edge, you free fall for awhile. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, the amount of time you are free-falling would not be defined as “awhile”, but it’s certainly long enough to think about the fact that you are falling through the air, realize that it’s not really that fun, and wonder when your body will contact the slide again. Once these things have gone through your mind, you will be at the bottom where the slide runs parallel to the ground so that you can reduce speed and your mind can grasp the atomic wedgie that 60 mph waters created.

As much as I want to say that this ride is awesome – I cannot. It is noteworthy, but I don’t know how much fun I actually had going down it. Though the girl in this picture seems to be smiling, if you turn your head (or the picture) around and look at it – she appears to be making a face that is more closely linked to disgruntled yelling. That seems about right.

If you find yourself at the top Mount Gushmore, definitely go down the Summit Plummet. Whether or not you enjoy it, it is still an adrenaline rush and something to talk about periodically for at least 11 years. Plus, you don’t want to have to climb all the way back down that mountain.

Schlitterbahn’s PR department made this for Ff.

Now lets talk Schlitterbahn! Ever since we saw that television special, the term “schlitterbahn” has been used by my siblings and I as an expression of excitement/fun/awesomeness. As much as I’d like to define it, I’m having a hard time because I’m realizing that it makes little to no sense when or why we use it. A water game was even invented by Cranky Tea called “schlitter-ball” – – something with throwing a ball back and forth while being in the water that included a lot of yelling of the word “schlitterbahn”. All I really know is that we saw and heard tale of Schlitterbahn and now we connect that word with happiness.

It may seem just like any old waterpark when I start describing the slides, but there are a few reasons why I think it seems like the best place ever.

1. Blaster Technology was invented at Schlitterbahn. I don’t know what that is, but, since it’s invention, it is now being implemented in waterparks throughout the world. It must be cool, right?
2. Transportainment is a river system throughout Schlitterbahn that combines transportation and entertainment in order to usher people throughout the park by means of water in order to minimize your time standing in lines. This isn’t your grandma’s lazy river. It’s probably closer to Tom Cruise’s lazy river in Minority Report (featured in the extended edition).
3. Master Blaster uphill water coaster. Enough said.

Every person I know from Texas (Did I mention this is in Texas? I’m sure you were already booking your tickets to Germany for this good time – -) has told me that it’s not that awesome and it’s full of rednecks. Well, of course it is full of rednecks, but not that awesome? I’ll believe it when I check it off my list.

Now look at these pictures and tell me you don’t want to yell “Schlitterbahn!” because that sandwich you are eating is so good.

waj mahal.